The View from the Orthodontist Chair

   A visit to a dentist is a harrowing one, but in my mind, the Orthodontist trumps them all. Laughing gas forbidden, despite the torturous nature of these visits, the patients must simply subject to having their mouth pried open with horrific plastic cups, bringing to mind geeks of the 80s, having wires measured and clipped in their mouths, copious amounts of glue running down their teeth, and the dreaded ceramic molds are a given.
   My experience today was of the "I hate you all and don't know how you got certified" variety. It started off simple enough, until they said, in their disgustingly cheerful voice, "We're going to bond some brackets today! It may be a little... tricky."
   Note to aspiring students in the branch of orthodontics: "Tricky" is a dirty word. Along with "Oops!"
   Anyways, me being the utterly trusting and forgiving person I am (note the sarcasm), I settled down in the chair and put on the oversized sunglasses offered. From my position, the only thing I had of interest to look at was the light and the ceiling:

 

   After the lady led me in there and got me set up, she then left to go do some paperwork, leaving me to my thoughts and- hey, that spot looks like the big dipper!

     After making friends with the dots (Unwell by Matchbox20, anyone?) for about 20 minutes, Mr. Orthodontist himself came in, with two assistants. I gave an involuntary shudder as they pulled on the violet rubber gloves.

Mr. Orthodontist: So, how've things been?

Me: Okay, but-

Mr. Orthodontist: Teeth been well?

Me:Yes, except for th-

Mr. Orthodontist: Nothing poking?

Me: Well, there's this one wire in the ba-

Mr. Orthodontist: Glad to hear it's going well! So today we're going to bond some wires! *claps hands excitedly* Won't that be fun? 

  2 assistants nod in perfect unison. I presume this is what professional assistant hitmen look like when they're about to bag someone

Me: Umm...

Mr Orthodontist: Now open wide as I cram this hideously large mouth opener into your piehole so you can't speak, swallow, or move without possibly beheading yourself!

Me: ...

  The ensuing picture was a degrading one. There is nothing more humiliating than a wire mouth opener stretching your mouth out obscenely and the orthodontist practically sitting on you as he jams a syringe full of glue towards the back of your mouth while the assistants hand him more instruments with bland disinterest, discussing the new girl's car. I think it was the syringe that got me to freak out.

Me: Blur blibbing be a dot?! (roughly translated: You're giving me a shot?! Vile person!)

Mr. Orthodontist: I can't understand you, now hold still!

   I had been wiggling slightly to avoid the dreaded shot that I knew was coming, I suppose, but once I found out it was just a glue applicator I calmed down a bit. A little. Maybe. Anyways, after a particularly nerve wracking experience which involved me thinking he was looking at my teeth with a mirror, only to have it start vibrating (What the heck is going on, ohmygoshgetmeoutgetmeout THEY'RE GOING TO KILLLLL MEEEE!), then realizing it was one of those polisher thingys, he decided that, to get a better grip on my head, he would hook his thumb under my jaw (right at the pressure point), and hook a finger right behind my ear (the other pressure point), and pinch my cheek ruthlessly, like an over-exuberant aunt. It was horrific.

   I shall spare you the details of being whacked in the mouth when they dropped the pliers, getting glue on my nose of all places, and the dreaded "I just cut the wire in her mouth, and can't find the other piece". Utterly miserable. 

   But hey, I get them off either this summer or fall! HUZZAH!