How to Survive an Airplane, Part 1

  Airplanes are tough. They smell oddly, they're noisy, and you have the ever present nagging in the back of your mind going "at any moment the engines could shut down, and we could plummet into some horrible uncharted territory, and cannibals could eat our dead bodies".  Luckily for you, I have come up with a list of the worst possible airplane situations, and how to remedy them:
1: Noise

  

Noise on a plane stinks. You've got the engine noises, some weirdo next to you snoring and making odd sounds, rather like a dying squirrel, an annoying person yakking their head off about their son's girlfriend's sister's dog groomer's wife's home decor woes, a baby bawling behind you, and all you want to do is try to enjoy your flight. Some solutions are:

Music works fantastically. The only issues that can arise are people getting offended because you're not listening to them yammer on about people you'll never meet, or their toe fungus that you really didn't need to know about. Oh, and that weird rule about how you can't have any electronics going during take off. Is that because the pilot will pick up on whatever you're listening to?

2: Cramped, uncomfortable seating

   

Airplane seating is not for you if you suffer from claustrophobia, or have issues not fleeing when you sit next to someone who smells of Mexican food. So far, the only thing I have found to be effective is:

 

It's rather entertaining seeing 3 adults piling into one seat in a hasty attempt to not be bitten by the presumed rabid rat.

3: Airplane food rations

It really is a crime what they give out as snacks. You've been plane hopping all day without a chance to eat, and you have no loose money with you to buy a real meal, so you're super-duper-yay-happy-joy-time excited when the lady offers you complementary crackers. You tear into the brightly colored package decorated with smiling flight attendants gleefully, listening to the satisfying crinkle as you rip the top seam. You reach into the bag to feel the spoils- and come up with 2 shriveled up, broken crackers that appear to have originally been shaped as miniature airplanes. The disappointment is almost indescribable, like winning a 15 mile marathon, only to have the trophy to be a piece of paper that says "congratulations!", and the prize money turns out to be a 25 dollar gift card to what other than The Plumbing Store. It's one of the most painful experiences a human being can go through.

   

Also, you may notice that they are almost always in the shape of airplanes. I have always found this to be remarkably ironic, seeing as how you're eating the very thing that's keeping you from toppling 20,000 feet out of the air to your certain doom. "Oh yeah! I think I'll go eat my transportation like some GODZILLA right now! Mmm, it's so good!"

4: Annoying people

Annoying people are, by far, one of the worst things you will encounter on a flight- especially a 5+ hour one. Noted for having bad breath and not understanding the concept of personal space, these creatures latch onto you and talk as though it's critical to your future to know every little detail about their dirty rotten cheating husband, or how they like Cheesits better than Cheetos. Only in movies do you meet someone like: 

   

Instead, you get someone with a chronic gum infection who wants you to help them put on their ointment. So far, I've found that pretending to not speak English helps:

Or also acting like a raving lunatic:

    

-Enter peace and quiet-

Threatening to eat people always does the trick.

This concludes How to Survive and Airplane, part 1!